A little down

Well, Hannah is doing better. They started her on a special formula today that is easy on her stomach. She has shown no problems with it thus far. Because they do not know what caused her "spell" Monday they are being very cautious. They have stopped the antibiotics for now and are watching her very close. It breaks my heart to know that my breastmilk may have hurt her. Once again, I feel responsible for her situation. It is so hard to look at you baby, the one that you prayed for for 2 years, lying there with tubes and wires everywhere and you have no control what happens to her. The doctors and nurses have been great, but lately havent been giving us any answers. They simply do not know. I am getting so frustrated. I want to know what is goingto happen in 5 weeks. Will Hannah come home? Will she be on a monitor/meds? Will she need oxygen? Will she need therapy? Will I be able to take vacation? Everything is so up in the air and I cannot work like that. I am a planner, and none of this was in my plan. It is so unfair sometimes. Marcus is trying to be supportive, but he needs support ,too. The only thing that helps is remembering last night when I was kangarooing (holding her skin to skin on my chest) Hannah last night. To feel her little body next to me, to feel her breathe, to have her look at me and know she knows who I am, to finally feel like her mom, was amazing. I never thought I would be a mom of a preemie baby, but I will tell you, it really makes you cherish life and the one you created. Hannah, Marcus, and I will always have a special bond. Not because she is our daughter, but because we have fought through this time, the three of us together. I never want to go through this again, but will never forget this experience.

Sorry, I vented a little! Sometimes it just comes out. We love you all.

Jennifer